Everyone knows that heat rises. Everyone also knows that I am full of hot air. Therefore, you could say with scientific certainty that I am an airhead.

But you would be wrong. That’s because, according to a respected sleep specialist, my head doesn’t get sufficient air.

That was the alarming finding in a sleep study I can’t fully ...Read more

When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember.

So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t.

There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t work.

Then there’s the ...Read more

Now that my office has new flooring and is finally so clean that it could win an award from Good Housekeeping, I am turning over a new leaf.

Actually, 17 new leaves, which belong to a houseplant that my wife, Sue, gave to me so I could have someone (or something) to talk to when I am lonely or need inspiration so I can write drivel like this.

...Read more

As a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.

Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and record what I did in bed — it was nothing to write home about — during a sleep study.

I participated in this diagnostic test, which required me to stay in a ...Read more

Every 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.

Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test.

That’s the sacrifice I made to...Read more

You can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project.

That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so new flooring could be installed with the help of yours truly and my trusty hammer.

...Read more

I like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts.

That’s why I have bought two boxes of cookies from my 8-year-old granddaughter, who represents the third generation of Girl Scouts in our family.

They include my wife, Sue, and our two daughters, ...Read more

When you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The trade-off is that you can’t get fired from a job you don’t have.

Still, there has been great concern by a certain prominent person about how certain subordinate but no less important people spend their ...Read more

To sleep — perchance to snore. Ay, there’s the rib, which my wife, Sue, pokes every time I snore while she’s trying to sleep.

My unconscious imitation of a buzzsaw, which I allegedly do often enough that Sue has to go into another room to get a good night’s slumber, is the reason I have been signed up to participate in a sleep study, ...Read more

When you’re a grandparent, you want only the best for the newest addition to the family. That’s why my wife, Sue, and I went shopping in anticipation of baby’s first visit and came home with everything the little one needs, including a bowl for food, one for water, a stick for teething, a bag of treats for snacks, toys for playing, a leash...Read more

Row, row, row my seat swiftly down the track.

Warily, warily, warily, warily, my body’s out of whack.

That’s the tune I sang to myself — because I didn’t want to scare everyone else at the gym — as I rocked and rolled on a rowing machine under the expert guidance of my very own personal trainer.

I decided to go back to the gym ...Read more

No matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers.

But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That’s because we both threw our backs out.

I injured mine while cleaning the bathroom, which is what I get for trying to be helpful around the house.

The irony was ...Read more