ArcaMax

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as ...Read more

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};

summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6...Read more

"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno

"Snap! Censure! A moral condemnation of the president so severe it's only happened once before to President Andrew ...Read more

I'm taking a couple late-summer days off next week to noodle around on leisure writing. Perhaps this sounds bananas to normal people, taking a staycation from a writing job to write, but, you know. Some of us were a pleasure to have in class.

My husband is taking the same days off with a goal to clean the garage, a task I want nothing to do ...Read more

I was talking to a friend one night when I abruptly ended the conversation.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," I said. "Otherwise I'll miss the 8:16."

"Oh, are you catching a train?" she asked me.

"No," I replied. "An alien."

The truth was, we had a quandary. Well, it wasn't really that much of a quandary. It was more like an event. A very long, ...Read more

Do you want to start a political action committee? Congratulations on taking the exciting first steps! There are a few key things to know.

First, what is a PAC? Such a baby is born when two or more people give or take funds to support a candidate, party or issue. This allows like-minded folks to pool cash for a cause, like when we got ...Read more

In the time that we've lived in the 'burbs, we've had a veritable parade of icky insecty things cavorting through our home. There were the things with a million legs that crawled up our bathtubs, the infestation of little black ants that marched through our kitchen, the termites that lunched on our wood deck, the Japanese beetles that stopped ...Read more

Every so often, a school dress code materializes with a subtext like so:

Students cannot learn amid the existence of boobs, hips or butts that curve at any juncture. These features indicate the possibility of sex, which is not real, as evidenced by storks. If you are not already shaped like a Triscuit, clothing options include: the ...Read more

"What's with all this candy?" asked my husband, eyeballing a large stack of candy bags on the table.

"It's for Halloween," I replied nonchalantly.

"But Halloween isn't for three more months," he protested.

"I know," I said. "But I had to get it now because of the Candy Apocalypse."

"'Candy Apocalypse'?" he wondered aloud. "I'm not sure I ...Read more

The manatees are sorry.

The manatees apologize that groceries and gas are expensive, that there are wars and sickness. The manatees don't know if that's their fault, but they are pretty sure it is.

The manatees keep getting in the way of things humans need to survive, things such as hotels and discount stores and Jet Skis. They try to float ...Read more

My husband and I were having dinner at a lovely restaurant one night when I stopped eating mid-plate.

"I'm done," I said.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"This pasta and shrimp is delicious, but I'm full. I can't eat any more."

"Take it home," he said.

"Where? Who's going to eat it? When?"

"Our house. Me. Later," he replied.

"But we're not going...Read more

Delightful poo-poo memes are going around. In one of my faves, people list stuff that doesn't have cyclospora. It's not salads. It's Snickers, mac and cheese, and cookies.

Hilarious, I thought after a scroll. Solid creative energy from the internet hive mind, a silly way to lighten up news of a perilous parasite. But after closing the phone, ...Read more

If I'd had any choice in the matter, I certainly wouldn't have planned to have my two kids' and husband's birthdays be only weeks apart. The first two just kind of worked out that way. The third was completely out of my control.

The problem with all these occasions has nothing to do with gifts or parties.

It's about the cake. Or, more ...Read more

Attention, disgusting little guys:

I write by the light of a candle in hopes you won't locate me. I have been reduced to a hostage in my own home, a scavenging rat-style person dragging a pizza crust from the fridge to eat under cloak and dagger.

Why have you come? What do you seek?

Since individual intervention (murder) has been slow to ...Read more