Husband Refuses To Be Kind
DEAR HARIETTE: I have been arguing with my husband for years. He regularly speaks to me like I am an idiot. He is rude and downright nasty. I have pleaded with him to stop treating me like this. I have asked him to go to therapy with me so we can figure out how to communicate better, but he refuses.
We had a huge blow-up the other day when I challenged him because he had been especially rude to me; he screamed at me, saying he does not want to change and will not change. I don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. I don't think I can afford to live on my own, though. Moreover, I am afraid. We have been together for so long that I'm not sure how to live by myself. -- Trapped
DEAR TRAPPED: You are suffering from emotional abuse. Get to a mental health counselor now. Work with someone to sort through your issues and create a game plan for your future. Yes, it is scary, but you deserve to be treated better. Know that while it feels insurmountable today to take action, you deserve to be treated with respect. If your husband is unwilling or unable to do that, you owe it to yourself to get out of that relationship. Will it be hard? Yes. Can you do it? Absolutely. If you need help with any of this or feel unsafe, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 right away.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I really enjoy reading your column, but I have to say, your answer to "Overeater," the person who thought her friend "may have a food addiction" had my jaw dropping.
Here's what you should have said: Apologize to your friend. She is an adult and has the right to make her own choices about food -- or anything else, for that matter. That she rebuffed your unsolicited "advice" once should be a big hint. She said you were rude, and you were. Assuming yourself to be the food police -- or to monitor anyone else about any habit without being asked -- is rude. It is also presumptuous and arrogant to assume that you have no annoying habits or "addictions," or that no one else might have reason to be "concerned" about some of your behaviors. Would you like friends policing you at every event? Be a real friend, accept her for who she is, flaws and all, and put your energy into finding good things in her instead of obsessing over her eating, which is none of your business.
I have to say, Harriette, with all due respect, when you finished your answer with "Try not to judge her," I screamed, "How about you just DON'T JUDGE HER!" -- Think Again
DEAR THINK AGAIN: Thank you for this cold water to the face. Perhaps this topic touches me too closely. I have a dear friend who has struggled with an eating disorder for years. I have mostly said nothing and have always stood by her, asking only once years ago if there might be something for her to address. When she finally told me about her condition and sought help, I was her cheerleader. I see the devastation it has caused her body, and it pains me that I couldn't help more. I long for loved ones to be able to be more supportive. As you have pointed out, that is her business. Sadly, I stand corrected.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2025 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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