We’ve all been there: Someone we don’t know extremely well—maybe a work colleague or friend of a friend—sends a biting text that immediately causes you to raise your eyebrows. You may ask friends, “Hey...what do you think this means?” Internally, you’re debating whether you should ever talk to this person again ... or if it was simply sarcasm.

I recently came across the Bumble profile of a 41-year-old woman with a pretty smile and interesting photos. Hoping she may be a good match for a client, I continued to read what she had written in her profile.

“Ugh-I’ve been told I’m overbearing, superficial and needy,” she wrote. “I hate nature (bugs), food that isn't fast, learning (I know everything already), any furry creature, exercise (sweating - gross), sports (especially football) and going anywhere that requires being around other people. I also hate being alone. Don't even get me started with water activities.”

I had to read it twice ... and still wasn’t sure if she was joking or not. Not only was this (maybe?) sarcastic paragraph a complete turn-off, but it also told me absolutely nothing about her. She probably meant to come off as funny, but instead she comes off as defensive ... or just plain miserable! That’s enough to make many potential dates swipe left and move on. I know I certainly didn’t recommend her to my client!

Without familiarity and context clues like facial expressions, it’s difficult to tell when someone is being serious. When a friend gets ketchup on his white shirt and says, “That’s exactly what I needed today!” with a big smile on his face, you can tell he’s making light of the situation. When a potential date sends, “I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?” on a dating site, it just sounds mean.

I know that I personally have a difficult time distinguishing sarcasm, both in writing and in real life. I even remember once, I was helping a client shop for date clothes, and the gentleman working in the fitting room offered a customer a bottle of water. I politely asked, “May I have one, too?” He looked back at me, sitting on a stool (I had a broken foot at the time!), and said, “I didn’t offer *you* one.” I was taken aback. My client was about to spend hundreds of dollars at the store, and this man couldn’t give me a measly water bottle? (And it wasn’t even the full-sized bottle!)

He saw that I took him seriously, and then smiled. I then said, as I find myself doing often, “I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.” (My best advice — in dating and in life — is “If you don’t know, ask.” And you can often do that with an “I can’t tell” line.) He said yes and brought me the water. I didn’t even want it anymore!

Even if sarcasm is your go-to mode of humor, it has no place on a dating profile ... even mentioning that you like it. How many times have you seen a profile that includes “fluent in sarcasm” as an accomplishment? First, sarcasm isn’t a language. Second, that joke was only somewhat funny the first time I heard it ... a decade ago.

There is certainly room for jokes (like the occasional pun or self-deprecating jab about your night owl tendencies) on dating sites, but try to read them as if you’re a stranger reading a profile for the first time to see how it sounds. Humor comes off much better in person — so don’t wait too long to suggest a real-life conversation!

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